Escaping from reality - a discussion

I think the idea of escaping from reality is a common one, a common one in today's increasingly 'real' and immediate lives. Oddly, it seems we are living, on the one hand, a real and immediate life and yet we are fully absorbed by memories from the past and thoughts of the future, far from really being in the real here and now. Both these mental occupations are weighted towards the painful, troubling memories and the disaster orientated, negative projections of the future. The here and now, the true reality is almost always totally fine. If we have time to be concerned with the past or worried about the future then nothing bad can be happening right now, if something really bad is happening right now then our minds will not be filled with thoughts about the past or future. So, truthfully, if nothing bad is happening right now why are we wasting energy thinking about the past and future and how can thoughts of the past and future be a reality we need to escape from? It isn't reality we are trying to escape, it is the thoughts and feelings we have about stuff the has happened or might happen that we are trying to escape. Not what is happening right now which is really what reality is.

So reality is filled with to do lists, memories of the past that are painful or upsetting and the idea that the future is going to be better some how if 'I could just do this....' Or 'once I've earned this much or achieved this promotion or got this kind of house then all those past memories will be erased or fixed somehow.'

To understand the idea we are talking about of escaping reality, it feels like we need to define reality and escaping. The reality I think we are talking about is filled with the things we have been discussing above. Perhaps the most compelling bit is the feeling that we just need something in our lives to make everything ok - a certain job, a particular house, a certain type of partner etc etc. If only we could get this thing it'll be ok. Secondly reality is also filled with a huge to do list which NEEDS to be done. There is a pressure to get things done in order to feel ok, if those things are not done by the end of the day we'll be left feeling unsatisfied and like we have failed. Jobs at work, tidying the house, kids to be picked up, fed, dropped off etc. Thirdly, there is the sense of the past we are carrying around with us that wasn't right in some way. How we were made to feel as children, how our parents treated us which impacts how we are today, how unfairly we feel a teacher was towards us, how we are going to show the world it's not going to be like that any more. We may or may not be conscious of these traces from the past but we still carry them around.

Fourthly, and not necessarily in order, is the worry about what others think of us, will we be accepted and not rejected, does this outfit look ok? Is my bum too big? Is my hair the right colour? Is my tan good enough? Are my muscles big enough? It is constant, the sense of comparing ourselves to others really with a simple sense of are they better than me, am I better than them or are we the same? Crucially, is there a threat I need to be wary of? Social rejection and physical pain are processed be the same area of the brain so no wonder we feel uncomfortable at the thought of not fitting in.

Fifth on my list is the normal day-to-day trouble that being human involves. There are ones to do with the body like aging and sickness. This includes injuries such as for a sports person as well as more serious illness which is inevitable at some point and finally at the end I think fear of death is a huge worry we never address for us humans. Particularly here in the west, we don't honour the dying process or those of our loved ones whom are no longer here in a ritualised and cathartic way. We avoid and suppress the events and feelings surrounding this significant time. Other events also trouble us which may not be associated with the body, events like financial misfortune or mishaps with things we own like cars being crashed or houses damaged or burnt. And, of course, problems with our work, like not being promoted or having a poor appraisal or not getting the raise we wanted or getting the raise but a huge amount of responsibility and work load going through the roof. So, day to day troubles can be seen to be huge. Again, the feeling that if only this hadn't happened then I'd be ok wells up in us and the 'why me' thoughts, taking so very personally the events and situations that happen to us all.

So, filling our 'so called' reality is;

How I want things to be 'if only...'

Our To Do list

Our sense of the past and worry of the future

Our need for acceptance, approval and inclusion

Day to day events - some good some bad

Or to put it more simply;

We don't get what we want - people, thoughts, things, feelings and events

We get what we don't want - people thoughts, things, feelings and events

So, all the above is just a bit of this 'reality' people are wanting to be free from however this reality is all through our own interpretation of what it means to us and in fact isn't reality at all, it is the spin or interpretation we have chosen to out on the people, thoughts, things, feelings and events that come our way or don't come our way. If anything, reality is a great deal less loaded with meaning and implication and the reality we create is what we are trying to escape.

So, what do we mean by escape?

I think it is numbing of or a brief distraction from the constructed reality related to the things above, the people, thoughts, feelings, emotions and events. Our escaping is in relation to what is going on in the body. There is a chemical secreted at times of stress called cortisol, a very damaging chemical which feels unpleasant and all of the above are potential causes of cortisol secretion. The antidote to this chemical is dopamine which is a nice feeling and is released by intoxicants like drugs and alcohol and by enjoyable activities like sex and purchasing desirable items and exercise etc. So we end up in the dopamine loop. I feel unpleasant so I do the thing I do to relax or feel numbed for a while and feel better. It it doesn't last because the feelings come back so I do more and so the cycle goes. Unless I feel the nice dopamine effect I can't be ok. We have a survival response which tells us if I don't feel pleasant all the time I must not be ok. But of course, we are all ok we just don't think we are.

Our escaping then is the getting rid of the unpleasant feelings within us which are a product of our daily lives and we set up a short term survival way of living which doesn't fully embrace the richness of all life's experiences. It is based on the mistaken belief that life needs to be nice all the time and all unpleasantness needs to be avoided at all costs and must be bad when in fact it is just part of life. We do this escaping by first trying to find something to appeal to our senses - food, drink, buying things, doing things, reading, getting into religion, watching movies or soaps to distract us and release dopamine to make us briefly feel better. 

There are more skilful things we can do in this same situation, we can express our feelings to others and be truly heard by another, we can exercise, we can do journal work and we can participate in healthier hobbies or outlets like drama or walking or other social pursuits. 

The least helpful approach is to keep the tightness within which is associated with negative experiences. Tightness of the stomach or chest. It's like creating an armour around the negative feelings. The key to all this is always in the body somewhere, it will be a felt sense of constriction. Keeping to tightness or tension is like putting up a dam, a restraining of the pressure which will find another way out either consciously or unconsciously. When we dam up the flow we create problems down stream, they don't go away. We need to find the tension and release it, allow the feelings, good and bad to flow through and therefore not stick around and do us harm. 

So, what are the things we can do in stead of trying to escape?

Philosophically, accepting that things happen and life isn't always pleasant is a start. None of it is personal, in fact it is universal. Bad things will happen and it is our relationship to those things which will increase of decrease our feelings of negativity. Our thoughts about everything are created by our brain and our brain alone. We have the power to create any thoughts we want. Good thoughts and bad thoughts. We were born at total peace and as we matured though life we learned ways of thinking about ourselves which are now either helpful or unhelpful and the brain is fantastically elastic and capable of an infinite number of new ways of firing and thinking. 

We can change our thoughts.

We just have to see that we are the architects of all our thoughts, every single one, and we can create new thoughts. Happiness is just one thought away. Whilst we place the power of our thoughts outside of ourselves we are opening ourselves up to being the victims of circumstance, we are a rudderless boat, tossed around on the surface of a variable sea. Sometimes stormy sometimes stuck in the doldrums and sometimes calm and pleasant but always controlled by the weather. We create the minds we want to live in in the future. If we want a dark negative mind we must think dark negative thoughts. Thoughts of unforgiveness and harshness towards others will manifest feelings of anger and disappointment. If we plant daily seeds in our minds of kindness towards others and feelings of acceptance we will manifest those feelings. Neurons the fire together, wire together. We create that. No one else, we need to do the work. 

Next it is identifying the behaviours we engage in to numb the pain of reality or our imagined reality. Do we drink, take drugs, buy stuff, gamble? And how helpful are those strategies? Can we replace those strategies with more skilful ones? Talking, exercise, walking etc. 

And importantly, can we find in the body the place where we hold the tightness and constriction associated with stress, look within the chest and stomach first or the neck and faces can we identify and release this muscular tightness? Can we moderate the breath, deepen it and let go of the tension. When we release the body sensations we often flush through the feelings. Letting go is at the heart of this work. The more we let go the more we will feel better. If we let go a bit, we will feel a bit better, if we let go a lot, we will feel a lot better. If we let go completely, we will feel completely better.

Turning towards the feelings, not away is in the long run more helpful. Going to look at what is the source of the discomfort. Looking from a safe distance with the help of a caring guide like a councillor and knowing that if it is shareable - it is bearable. To be truly seen by another and for the world not to end is very reassuring. Being able to sit with feelings of pain and discomfort is very helpful. This is how it is right now and that's ok rather than I must get rid of this feeling at any cost.