“If you don’t stand for something … you’ll fall for anything!”

Said the old guy on the train. I was sat on the 05.42 train to London for one of my work assignments. I travel most months from Chesterfield to London to coach and deliver workshops.  I fell into conversation with a retired US Navy veteran sitting next to me and he asked what I did;

“Management training, leadership stuff, you know, team building that kind of thing” I said.

He asked what my ethos was and I didn’t really know. He said what do you stand for and I wasn’t sure. He said in the Navy, they had a code, an ethos, which they lived by. He wanted to know what was mine and how did I know what principle I lived by if I didn’t have an ethos.

Quite a cranky old chap but it got me thinking and asking questions of myself. Coincidentally, 2 coaching clients were struggling with who they were and what they wanted from life plus feeling a lack of motivation. I asked if they had an ethos or code and they looked as puzzled as I had so I have begun working up a process to explore and establish my code, my ethos. Its nearly complete and I am going to trial it with my clients.

Basically, it takes you though a 5-stage process, see below for a brief description;

Step 1 – The legacy – work out what you want folks to be saying about you when you’re gone

Step 2 – The brain-storm – explore the values important to you, honesty, learning, success, humility, trust etc

Step 3 – Build and create – Write a series of sentences which bring your legacy and your values together

Step 4 – Boil it down – create a short hand version of your ethical statements

Step 5 – Try it on for size – Sit with it for a while, revisit it regularly and see if it works for you

Why have an ethos?

An ethos or code acts like a true north, an internal GPS or guiding set of principles, which can make tougher decisions or times in your life easier to manage. It can help you become the ‘you’ you’ve always wanted to be. That’s a grand claim, I know but it creates a model or exemplar against which you can measure yourself.

I have found the process rewarding and whilst I am always ‘a work in progress’, I do feel a certain settling or coming home to myself when I think about what I am doing here in the world.

I’m beginning to know what I stand for and its quite reassuring.

Why I hate travel luggage on wheels and why it’s bad for your health

I have been travelling by air a lot recently and everyone has travel luggage on wheels and its annoying me. For lots of reasons.

If you are one of those people, here’s why:

As you walk along in a busy airport or queue, you drag this obstacle behind you with no concession for those of us walking around you so it rolls over my toes, it bangs my legs, plus you and it occupy a space at least 2 humans could fit in.

Next, they are ridiculously huge and fill up the cabin lockers on the plane so those of us with normal sized ‘hand luggage’ cannot always find a space for our bags. Your stupid wheely case is rigid and won’t squash down. Finally, there are so many of you wheely maniacs out there that our take off is delayed because you can’t all get your luggage into the overhead lockers and 10 of you have to return your bags to the ground crew to be stored in the hold – As I write this I am on a plane from Dusseldorf and the flight was delayed 30 minutes for this exact reason.

So that’s how you inconvenience me, which I grant you is very selfish of me and truthfully, none of the above really bothers me. What I do think you don’t realise is how it’s damaging your health.

“How can wheely bag damage my health I hear you cry! I use it so I don’t strain myself with a heavy bag.”

Well, in an increasingly sedentary lifestyle you are giving away the opportunity to exercise your grip strength, shoulder and arm strength, back stability, core and leg muscles. In fact your whole musculoskeletal system benefits from being put under load and you are making a choice to minimise the opportunity to load your body. It's the most basic principle of exercise, we work out, it provides a manageable stress to our muscles, which adapt and we get stronger.

The Farmers Carry is a well known exercise in the Crossfit world and it involves picking up a significant weight and carrying it a chosen distance. A bit like carrying luggage! I imagine there are commuters who wheel their luggage through the airport not wanting to strain themselves with a heavy weight who then promptly check into their hotel and go to the gym to pick up heavy weights to randomly move through the air in the name of working out. Is that no a bit weird when you think about it?

You get a workout carrying your luggage and its real world – the health and fitness people is talking a great deal about functional movement these days, you can’t get more functional then carrying your luggage. 

Check out this definition of functional training on the Virgin Active website:

Functional training does what it says on the tin - it mirrors everyday actions like reaching, walking, carrying, lifting and bending so moving becomes that much easier. It’s all down to your body doing what it was meant to using seven primal moves - push, pull, bend, twist, move, lunge and squat.

The app on my phone says I walked 3 miles today and all of it carrying 15kgs of luggage – a bonus workout.

Why on earth would you deny yourself the strengthening effect of carrying your luggage and then complain that your work is so busy you don’t have time to stay fit, to work out. You have a brilliant opportunity to work out right there so take it.

Last week I was early for my flight by 3 hours so I walked. I put in my headphones and I walk 4 miles round the airport carrying my hand luggage. Virgin Active would charge me £50/month for that.

So, my suggestion is get rid of your wheels, pick up your bags and get healthy and strong whilst you commute and whilst you’re doing that you are making space for my bags in the overhead lockers and ensuring our flights on time.

Escaping from reality - a discussion

I think the idea of escaping from reality is a common one, a common one in today's increasingly 'real' and immediate lives. Oddly, it seems we are living, on the one hand, a real and immediate life and yet we are fully absorbed by memories from the past and thoughts of the future, far from really being in the real here and now. Both these mental occupations are weighted towards the painful, troubling memories and the disaster orientated, negative projections of the future. The here and now, the true reality is almost always totally fine. If we have time to be concerned with the past or worried about the future then nothing bad can be happening right now, if something really bad is happening right now then our minds will not be filled with thoughts about the past or future. So, truthfully, if nothing bad is happening right now why are we wasting energy thinking about the past and future and how can thoughts of the past and future be a reality we need to escape from? It isn't reality we are trying to escape, it is the thoughts and feelings we have about stuff the has happened or might happen that we are trying to escape. Not what is happening right now which is really what reality is.

So reality is filled with to do lists, memories of the past that are painful or upsetting and the idea that the future is going to be better some how if 'I could just do this....' Or 'once I've earned this much or achieved this promotion or got this kind of house then all those past memories will be erased or fixed somehow.'

To understand the idea we are talking about of escaping reality, it feels like we need to define reality and escaping. The reality I think we are talking about is filled with the things we have been discussing above. Perhaps the most compelling bit is the feeling that we just need something in our lives to make everything ok - a certain job, a particular house, a certain type of partner etc etc. If only we could get this thing it'll be ok. Secondly reality is also filled with a huge to do list which NEEDS to be done. There is a pressure to get things done in order to feel ok, if those things are not done by the end of the day we'll be left feeling unsatisfied and like we have failed. Jobs at work, tidying the house, kids to be picked up, fed, dropped off etc. Thirdly, there is the sense of the past we are carrying around with us that wasn't right in some way. How we were made to feel as children, how our parents treated us which impacts how we are today, how unfairly we feel a teacher was towards us, how we are going to show the world it's not going to be like that any more. We may or may not be conscious of these traces from the past but we still carry them around.

Fourthly, and not necessarily in order, is the worry about what others think of us, will we be accepted and not rejected, does this outfit look ok? Is my bum too big? Is my hair the right colour? Is my tan good enough? Are my muscles big enough? It is constant, the sense of comparing ourselves to others really with a simple sense of are they better than me, am I better than them or are we the same? Crucially, is there a threat I need to be wary of? Social rejection and physical pain are processed be the same area of the brain so no wonder we feel uncomfortable at the thought of not fitting in.

Fifth on my list is the normal day-to-day trouble that being human involves. There are ones to do with the body like aging and sickness. This includes injuries such as for a sports person as well as more serious illness which is inevitable at some point and finally at the end I think fear of death is a huge worry we never address for us humans. Particularly here in the west, we don't honour the dying process or those of our loved ones whom are no longer here in a ritualised and cathartic way. We avoid and suppress the events and feelings surrounding this significant time. Other events also trouble us which may not be associated with the body, events like financial misfortune or mishaps with things we own like cars being crashed or houses damaged or burnt. And, of course, problems with our work, like not being promoted or having a poor appraisal or not getting the raise we wanted or getting the raise but a huge amount of responsibility and work load going through the roof. So, day to day troubles can be seen to be huge. Again, the feeling that if only this hadn't happened then I'd be ok wells up in us and the 'why me' thoughts, taking so very personally the events and situations that happen to us all.

So, filling our 'so called' reality is;

How I want things to be 'if only...'

Our To Do list

Our sense of the past and worry of the future

Our need for acceptance, approval and inclusion

Day to day events - some good some bad

Or to put it more simply;

We don't get what we want - people, thoughts, things, feelings and events

We get what we don't want - people thoughts, things, feelings and events

So, all the above is just a bit of this 'reality' people are wanting to be free from however this reality is all through our own interpretation of what it means to us and in fact isn't reality at all, it is the spin or interpretation we have chosen to out on the people, thoughts, things, feelings and events that come our way or don't come our way. If anything, reality is a great deal less loaded with meaning and implication and the reality we create is what we are trying to escape.

So, what do we mean by escape?

I think it is numbing of or a brief distraction from the constructed reality related to the things above, the people, thoughts, feelings, emotions and events. Our escaping is in relation to what is going on in the body. There is a chemical secreted at times of stress called cortisol, a very damaging chemical which feels unpleasant and all of the above are potential causes of cortisol secretion. The antidote to this chemical is dopamine which is a nice feeling and is released by intoxicants like drugs and alcohol and by enjoyable activities like sex and purchasing desirable items and exercise etc. So we end up in the dopamine loop. I feel unpleasant so I do the thing I do to relax or feel numbed for a while and feel better. It it doesn't last because the feelings come back so I do more and so the cycle goes. Unless I feel the nice dopamine effect I can't be ok. We have a survival response which tells us if I don't feel pleasant all the time I must not be ok. But of course, we are all ok we just don't think we are.

Our escaping then is the getting rid of the unpleasant feelings within us which are a product of our daily lives and we set up a short term survival way of living which doesn't fully embrace the richness of all life's experiences. It is based on the mistaken belief that life needs to be nice all the time and all unpleasantness needs to be avoided at all costs and must be bad when in fact it is just part of life. We do this escaping by first trying to find something to appeal to our senses - food, drink, buying things, doing things, reading, getting into religion, watching movies or soaps to distract us and release dopamine to make us briefly feel better. 

There are more skilful things we can do in this same situation, we can express our feelings to others and be truly heard by another, we can exercise, we can do journal work and we can participate in healthier hobbies or outlets like drama or walking or other social pursuits. 

The least helpful approach is to keep the tightness within which is associated with negative experiences. Tightness of the stomach or chest. It's like creating an armour around the negative feelings. The key to all this is always in the body somewhere, it will be a felt sense of constriction. Keeping to tightness or tension is like putting up a dam, a restraining of the pressure which will find another way out either consciously or unconsciously. When we dam up the flow we create problems down stream, they don't go away. We need to find the tension and release it, allow the feelings, good and bad to flow through and therefore not stick around and do us harm. 

So, what are the things we can do in stead of trying to escape?

Philosophically, accepting that things happen and life isn't always pleasant is a start. None of it is personal, in fact it is universal. Bad things will happen and it is our relationship to those things which will increase of decrease our feelings of negativity. Our thoughts about everything are created by our brain and our brain alone. We have the power to create any thoughts we want. Good thoughts and bad thoughts. We were born at total peace and as we matured though life we learned ways of thinking about ourselves which are now either helpful or unhelpful and the brain is fantastically elastic and capable of an infinite number of new ways of firing and thinking. 

We can change our thoughts.

We just have to see that we are the architects of all our thoughts, every single one, and we can create new thoughts. Happiness is just one thought away. Whilst we place the power of our thoughts outside of ourselves we are opening ourselves up to being the victims of circumstance, we are a rudderless boat, tossed around on the surface of a variable sea. Sometimes stormy sometimes stuck in the doldrums and sometimes calm and pleasant but always controlled by the weather. We create the minds we want to live in in the future. If we want a dark negative mind we must think dark negative thoughts. Thoughts of unforgiveness and harshness towards others will manifest feelings of anger and disappointment. If we plant daily seeds in our minds of kindness towards others and feelings of acceptance we will manifest those feelings. Neurons the fire together, wire together. We create that. No one else, we need to do the work. 

Next it is identifying the behaviours we engage in to numb the pain of reality or our imagined reality. Do we drink, take drugs, buy stuff, gamble? And how helpful are those strategies? Can we replace those strategies with more skilful ones? Talking, exercise, walking etc. 

And importantly, can we find in the body the place where we hold the tightness and constriction associated with stress, look within the chest and stomach first or the neck and faces can we identify and release this muscular tightness? Can we moderate the breath, deepen it and let go of the tension. When we release the body sensations we often flush through the feelings. Letting go is at the heart of this work. The more we let go the more we will feel better. If we let go a bit, we will feel a bit better, if we let go a lot, we will feel a lot better. If we let go completely, we will feel completely better.

Turning towards the feelings, not away is in the long run more helpful. Going to look at what is the source of the discomfort. Looking from a safe distance with the help of a caring guide like a councillor and knowing that if it is shareable - it is bearable. To be truly seen by another and for the world not to end is very reassuring. Being able to sit with feelings of pain and discomfort is very helpful. This is how it is right now and that's ok rather than I must get rid of this feeling at any cost. 

Is there a place for Buddhism in Business?

Yes. In a word. But to make this posting more interesting I will expand on this response. My sense is we are ignoring the elephant in the room in the business world. It feels to me like the emphasis is on accumulation of personal wealth. How can we make the most for us and the most for the company bottom line?

But our accumulation has to come from somewhere else. In just the same way that when we throw some thing away we should be asking "Where is away?" There is no such place as away, it is just somewhere else where we can't see it but it hasn't gone. So when we get something somewhere there is always a loss somewhere else, be it money, resources, time but on this little planet of ours if we ignore the simple fact that there are finite resources available we will accumulate our selves into our own demise.

At the heart of this is our insatiable use of hydro-carbons or oil based things which is everything you can see from right where you are sat right now. I don't think there is anything that isn't produced using oil and it will run out.

Buddhism is the teaching of suffering and how to bring an end to suffering. Our suffering or dis-ease at things or events is based on our reaction to them rather than the events them selves. We are all born, we all get sick, grow old and die so everything is impermanent. Understanding impermanence is at the heart of understanding Buddhism.

When I truly accept everything is impermanent I am able to see things come and go with less worry or dis-ease or suffering. The pain or discomfort we feel as we go through our daily lives is due to attachment or avoidance, clinging or aversion, wanting something or not wanting something.

When we can recognise that everything comes and goes including possessions, people, relationships, jobs, emotions, thoughts and feelings then we begin to develop a healthier relationship to those things.

Take my new VW van bought in February this year. I'm very proud of my van and have had one for 12 years previously but when I dented the new one in August by dropping my kayak on it as I lifted if from the roof I saw the impermanence of my wonderful new van. New vans do not stay new forever and now I have a newish van with a dent in the side which tells a story of my summer holiday. Impermanence.

If we can maintain a sense of equanimity in the face of good moments and bad moments we are finding a truth and sense of ease which so often escapes us.

Back to business; money and accumulation of personal wealth sit at the heart of the western business or economic model. If we apply the rules of impermanence and suffering to money it makes perfect sense. Money is impermanent, it comes and goes. Our clinging to money or avoidance of times when we have no money cause much of our modern day worrying and pain.

Businesses who are only successful based on profit and loss accounts, bottom lines and monthly sales targets are in a state of dependence, a state of clinging to money as the source of happiness. What if business was able to see their success need not be based on this. That there are other more important and ultimately satisfying ways to feel at ease or happy.

Dr Roger Watts has highlighted 8 therapeutic lifestyle choices or TLCs which lead to healthy happy people and societies.

Diet and nutrition

Relaxation and stress management

Time in nature

Service to others

Religious or spiritual practice

Exercise

What if business was all about creating environments a where these TLCs were the output for the employees not accumulation of personal and business wealth?

Ever onwards

Piers Carter

When did you last remind yourself of something you learned?

I'm trying something new here folks. In my coaching and facilitating I regularly draw and explain models of leadership or management and personal development models so that people can understand a situation or problem they are having through another lens. It can help people contextualise their thoughts and find a more skilful or helpful way of working with issues.

On the back of this I am trying to create a series of youtube clips of the theories and models so that people can refer back to them. Each one is around 5 minutes long mainly because my attention span won't last much longer so I figure other peoples won't either. I’ve used a simple app on the iPad to create the tutorials which looks a little like a chalk board.

If the background is black it is a management or leadership model and if the background is orange, it is a personal development model. Look out for a new series in a different colour, which will be looking at extreme teams – success factors for teams in challenging situations.

I hope you enjoy these and do let me have any feedback that might improve them.

Ever onwards

Piers Carter

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

Yes, so get on with it!

That’s what I felt like saying to one of my clients last week. She was moaning about her staff, moaning about her boss, moaning about clients etc etc. Now I know I’m supposed to be a non-judging, listening ear as a coach but, man, did she wind me up! I wanted to shake her and say “Stop bloody moaning and get a grip. There’s people dying in Syria!”

She’s a newish client and has been put forward for coaching because of performance issues around her attitude and I can see why.

Negativity seems to be the main issue about pretty much everything. She tells me with a certain degree of satisfaction,

“That’s just me, that’s the way I am, I’m not going to change now”

And she won’t if she sticks with that mindset.  BUT, and here’s the thing, we can change, we can change all sorts about how we think, our minds and our brains and how they function and are wired. What is emerging in the field of neuroscience is that we have a huge potential to massively change our brains and develop new skills, change old habits and create totally new ways of thinking which we might previously thought not possible.

We have 100 billion different neurons in our brains and each one has up to 10,000 possible synaptic connections and each one of those is responsible for our thoughts, actions, emotions etc and the brain is ultimately plastic in that it is capable of creating an almost infinite number new connections well into old age. We just have to begin the process of making that happen.

Each thought we have, be it positive or negative, is like a seed that if cultivated will continue to propagate and grow. So if we have negative, angry, stressed out thoughts then that’s exactly the type of mind or brain we are creating for ourselves for the future. Like a garden, the seeds we cast will be the plants that grow.

If you have a propensity to road rage, that anger outburst will be a synaptic connection you’ve developed and become ‘good at’. So. That means you can learn a new response, more thoughtful and considered if you practice.

It all takes time but consider that you are creating the mind you are going to live in, in the future and that might change how you think.

Here’s a little thought pattern you can use;

Pause – Challenge – Choose

PAUSE when you have an unskillful thought. Take a breath and ask if this is the thought you want to cultivate.

CHALLENGE your assumptions about the situation, about yourself, about what you think you know and what is truth.

CHOOSE a more skilful way to respond. Think about forgiving the perceived wrong doer, the late direct report, the annoying boss, the awkward client.

As Donald Hebb postulated in 1949, Neurons the fire together, wire together. So if you want to change your thoughts, change your thoughts. Its accumulative and I’ve tried it so, empirically, I can vouch for it.

So, can I teach that client of mine she can learn new tricks? Let’s wait and see.

Piers

Are you paying attention to the right things?

I've seen and heard this parable in other forms before and I like its message. The animation is nicely done on this. It reminded me of some important questions

• When is enough enough?
• What is it I am working for anyway?
• Is the answer out there or in here?
• Am I paying attention to the right things?

Watch and reflect folks

Enjoy

Piers